Chapters

How to tell that you’re still dreaming and not on your way to work:

This morning I woke up early so I could finish some business at work before the day starts. Doesn’t really matter why.

I was trying to wake up at 5:45 and hit the snooze a couple of times. I was pretty sure that I was awake per my plan, but then realized that the corned beef and noodle dish that I was eating for breakfast was actually corned cockroach. And what appalled me was that the cockroaches had the little parasitic wasps that sometimes take them over and ride them to their doom attached. I remember thinking: “Jeez you’d think they’d at LEAST make some kind of filter to segment THOSE cockroaches from the rest of them”.

Enjoy!

We Lean Like Cholos

This is a poem brought to my attention by my daily internet wandering:

By Mark Twain, not published during his life. Sadly many would not understand this; indeed would happily pray this over their dinner table, believing themselves virtuous in the eyes of their god.

Of course I fight depression over the idiocy of Americans sometimes, but these words comfort me. Someone intelligent and great saw this before and yet the world still moves.

O Lord our Father, our young patriots, idols of our hearts, go forth to
battle — be Thou near them! With them — in spirit — we also go forth
from the sweet peace of our beloved firesides to smite the foe. O Lord
our God, help us to tear their soldiers to bloody shreds with our
shells; help us to cover their smiling fields with the pale forms of
their patriot dead; help us to drown the thunder of the guns with the
shrieks of their wounded, writhing in pain; help us to lay waste their
humble homes with a hurricane of fire; help us to wring the hearts of
their unoffending widows with unavailing grief; help us to turn them
out roofless with little children to wander unfriended the wastes of
their desolated land in rags and hunger and thirst, sports of the sun
flames of summer and the icy winds of winter, broken in spirit, worn
with travail, imploring Thee for the refuge of the grave and denied it
– for our sakes who adore Thee, Lord, blast their hopes, blight their
lives, protract their bitter pilgrimage, make heavy their steps, water
their way with their tears, stain the white snow with the blood of
their wounded feet! We ask it, in the spirit of love, of Him Who is the
Source of Love, and Who is the ever-faithful refuge and friend of all
that are sore beset and seek His aid with humble and contrite hearts.
Amen.

Help the homeless!

Taken from link

Shark Fins and Fish Assholes

My beautiful wife’s wonderful parents took us to Korea to meet her relatives and as a bonus wedding present.

People who don’t know anything ask me “North or South”. Sort of like wondering if someone “spending the weekend down at the lake” for the weekend may be planning on spending the night sleeping in the lake, or perhaps stabbing themselves in the stomach with singed smore sticks while singing songs. No. We went to South Korea.

The 1/2 of Sonya’s extended family that is in Korea lives in and around Seoul. So we flew into Incheon International and spent the first day with her father’s parents, the two most important people in the family unit.

I had been nervous since, in general, Koreans don’t smile during day to day interaction and I had no inclination to believe that her grandparents would accept me, especially for being a big doofy white guy that spoke from 3 stock phrases in Korean, and only when poked in the ribs by their unfortunate granddaughter (the eldest child of their eldest child).

What did I do during my first meal? NOT FINISH the rice.

What’s worse than being scolded by an offended Vice-High Admiral of a family (=grandma) the first time she feeds you? Having it translated by third in command, your wife’s father! They’re like: “He’s so cute when he squirms”.
If my experience is an accurate representation of what Koreans like to eat three times per day then 90% of the time koreans like to eat large smorgasbords of 30 diversely prepared combinations of vegetable, other plant, seafood and fermented stuff plus rice plus broth. Mix as appropriate, add whatever happens to either be passed your way or otherwise wander within reach. Sometimes stir it with a long spoon, sometimes with chopsticks; and it tastes… surprisingly good! The other 10% of the time they like to wake me up at 7 in the morning and feed me 15 itsy bitsy potentially lethal fish in a stew any one of which, if prepared incorrectly, has enough poison to kill me, my wife and about 30 of our unborn children even if they were fat- all prepared by a cross-eyed, barefoot chef.

And they were chewy.

Korean history is fascinating to me. One achievement that Koreans are proud of is the invention of their writing system by King Sejong in the 1400’s. What makes this system so admirable is the realization that the character systems used by other neighboring countries made it difficult to educate people. So he devised Hangul to increase the ease of use of the language.

Most favorite other Korean history tidbit? King Yeongjo killed his son the prince (who was probably mentally ill) by ordering him to get into a big wooden rice box, where he eventually suffocated. Who was in charge of guarding the box? Sonya’s first ancestor… the very first Koo! And we got to see the box! I wasn’t allowed to climb in though.

We also took a boat past a high rock where 1000 maidens jumped to their DOOM! And by doom I mean there were probably about 3 that actually jumped, they jumped into a slow moving deepish river and then probably climbed out onto the grassy banks less than 30 feet away. BUT! The spirit was noble, their kingdom had just been destroyed.

I had fun with Sonya’s parents and extended family too. Her parents are hilarious. It makes me hope that we always live close enough to them to spend time. Of course I still need to learn to play golf.

Other Experiences in Korea by bullet point:

• Knock off clothing sold in markets is AWESOME! I bought a North Face copy called “The Huge Mountain”. It looks and is constructed exactly like the new soft-shells that NF sells, but cost us only 35$. Other options: “Imma” clothing, “Pama” shoes, “Prespire” = Mountain Hardwear, “Tommy Atkins” instead of Tommy Hilfiger (same logo even).
• Bugs for snack sold fried on the street
• High school girls chatting me up as I run for cover behind my wife. “Hello! Hello! How are you!”
• Predatory health mushroom salesmen
• Naked Spa time with Sonya’s dad
• Flat fish, belt fish and tasty fish
• Hodugwaja walnut/waffle hybrid cookies at rest stops
• Luxe hotels owned by large corporations Samsung, Lotte including beautful rooms, Dragon water shows and…
• Bidets; I’m a convert.

Korea? Awesome, I can’t wait to go back.